Week 5 Newsletter

First of all, congrats to VDW. I knew that you could score against the Wolverines but I didn't think that you could keep Denard in check. Would you have delayed surgery so you could have watched this game, VDW? You get to face Ron Zook and the Illini are better than I expected as evidenced by the beat down in Happy Valley. Or the Nitany Lions are really not worthy of national recognition anymore. I respect my elders and everything but the writing has been on the wall for Joe Pa for a few years now. I hope that he has enough security in his legacy at Penn St to go out on his own terms. He should look at Bowden's exit as a lesson. VDW, I hope that your Spartans aren't reading the press clippings about Rose Bowl talk too early as opposed to concentrating on the next opponent. If your coach is healthy, I'm sure that he'll make sure that they focus on the next week. Kras is 2nd happiest of our group as the Tide went down and left the Buckeyes as the top team in the land this week. The Illinois win makes the Buckeyes close win over them look better. But the Seminole beating of Miami makes the Buckeye win over the Hurricanes look less than impressive. But if you win out it will be hard for you to miss out on the National Championship unless the big 10 falls flat on its face. It's hard to be a TCU/Boise St fan. They have to schedule and find 3 BCS conference teams for their non conference schedules and win out to have a chance at championship talk. This is the part where Sho says that SEC games have almost nothing but top teams each week so there's no comparison between TCU or Boise St schedules. Speaking of Sho, he was the 3rd happiest in our group until later Saturday night. His old ball coach came up w/ his yearly surprise and beat the previously #1 team in the land. The Gamecocks had the offensive firepower and came up w/ the 1 handed catch to overwhelm the Tide defense. Sho had to be beaming w/ pride at the time. Until his Gators were beaten by the Tigers. It was their first back to back loss in what seems like forever to the Urban nation. The brilliant/incredibly lucky Les Miles play calling continues. For those of you who are too busy to stare at TV all day, here's a clip

Unfreaking believable. I'll give the devil his due w/ having the stones to go for it on 4th down. I can even see the logic w/ a fake FG b/c I don't think anyone truly believes that the offense is reliable. But a no look over the shoulder toss by the placeholder that lands perfectly on the ground? It doesn't go beyond the placeholder so it's not an incomplete forward pass? It's a football and it lands on the right spot on the ball so it bounces straight up into the kicker's hands while he's running? How many souls does this guy have to sell? Sho, comments? Shen was at work so he didn't get to see it but he became the 3rd happeist on Saturday night. Stanford marched down the field w/ a little over 1 minute left and beat douche bag Kiffin's Trojans. Unfortunately, the Cardinal defense let the Trojans march down the fiedl on the prior possession for a TD to get the lead too. Your offense can score but a suspect defense leaves you vulnerable to a lesser team that gets a tipped ball or two or receives a good call or two. I'm worried b/c after back to back losses in the Pac 10/12, a pissed off Trojan team will be chomping at the bit to take it out on my Cal Bears. Big E, you already played before Saturday night so you weren't eligible for the happiest dude award. But you get some T Magic props. Too bad you didn't have anything close to his offensive prowess last year. You're a very strong team w/ Bo again. But can you imagine if you had Suh leading the D and T Magic leading the O? Did you just pee yourself a little?

My teams so sh!!++y that I need 2 toilets.

The tides have really turned on Josh as he sits winless at 0-5. But it could be worse if you had to use this toilet all the time. Has he ever had a shot at the top pick in our fantasy draft in the past? Where are you Joshua? No comments? Are you going to fire yourself? Much like my 9ers, maybe a coaching change is in the works. Are the M & L combo too busy w/ school to help you out? It can't get much worse for you at this point in time. Mason and Garcon have been horrible so far. Schaub has been a disappointing 3rd round pick. Maybe you should have gone w/ Romo and stayed true to your Cows love. Does Stacy know that you bypassed Romo for Schaub? VDW gets the win in the battle for Stacy despite Vick's injury. He also gets to see his Lions "officially" win for the first time in forever w/ VDW's Shaun Hill. (My brain still says that they beat the Bears earlier this year.) He's also doing quite well in the handicapping game. On the other hand, I need to start doing opposite George b/c I'm tied at the bottom. Prior to our draft, VDW and I agreed that All Day was a better #1 pick this year. It may sound like Monday Morning QB and CJ2K may end up being the better pick but I want to see more than 1 stellar year before I think that you can do it again.

I couldn't get the video on here but here's the website where a pretty young lady has some words of advice for Shenanigans and for the rest of us. Look for playboy fantasy football. SFW. It's a good thing I'm already engaged and all or I might go all stalker on someone. Hot and speaks and seems to know fantasy football?

www.cinesport.com

Cal beats Stanford. (It's the only time I can say it this year.)

Shen finally went down this week as he couldn't beat me w/ my own Cal Bears this year. He paid a karmic price as Rodgers may miss a game due to concussion and Jermichael Finley got knocked out early in the game and may be out for the rest of the season. Shen's backups at QB and TE? We'll find out after waiver wire Wednesday. The jury is still out on Megatron's shoulder too. At least the rest of his division lost so he still has a 2 game lead. I assume the top dog status for our league now w/ the most total points. I've actually been pretty consistent too.

Ash beats his sensei

I'm sure that Ash was crying tears of joy at the Raiders/Chargers game. I may have the most points but Ash has the least holes on this team. The Ravens finally remembered to feed the ball to Rice and stopped the stupid McGahee vulture dance for at least 1 week. Bush is making a come back and the Raiders won't be in a rush to get Run DMC back. How did you people let Michael Bush fall to Ash on waivers? Obviously, I'm a 9ers fan but I'm glad that the Raiders looked like an NFL team again. I wonder how tired San Diego is w/ the yearly Chargers slow start. Ash is also strongest at WR w/ Andre Johnson, Macolm "who's V Jax?" Floyd, and the return of Holmes. Ash is set up to have the strongest run barring injury and bye weeks. He gets the high prize of the week too. Bleemia suffers another loss and drops another game behind Vishnal. "If Vish ever beats me in anything, ..." was Ben's exact quote years ago if I remember correctly. The Peyton/Collie show was actually neutered by a very effective Cheifs D. To be fair, Collie was playing hurt. And apparently Manningham is on the side of milk carton.

Kras is coming...

Kras continues his strong showing w/ contributions from everyone except from his QB and he still hit triple digits. The arrival of Mad Max didn't hurt Fitz either as far as I can tell so that's great news. Hopefully, Addai is more sore vs hurt. He has the much better Steve Smith too. I should have learned. Annoying. Sho had a decent but not good enough showing this week especially w/ the Pats bye week. Garrard surprised me and did better than my recommendation, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Even w/ the Lynch Mob gone, I still say that CJ won't be a regular fantasy impact though. Hopefully, Moss's return will open up the middle of the field for Percy. I think that the video represents Sho's team. It's talented and all but at the end of the day, it's still a dog regardless of the outfit that you put on it.

Here comes Big E.

Erin is taking the dump and T squared is the toilet.Big E has made it back to back wins w/ a lot of help from the NYG and CJ2K's TD's. Big E made the call of the week by getting Eli and got the double bonus w/ Hakeem's big day. I still can't believe how horrible the Texans looked at home. Is Duane Brown that important to their offensive line? He's the LT and he's been suspended due to "performing enhancing steroids." I blame Vish for going back home to H town. Cliff, our mantra is "stupid Vish." Tim falls from the upper half of the league w/ a huge thud and it's what he gets for taking advantage of me in the Dez and something something for Gonzo. You won't read this so I'll waste my time and say that I have no idea what to do w/ Sims Walker. Everything I've read gives me no clue about his consistency from week to week. At least you get Mendenhall back.

Vish Wins in the Battle for H Town.

Vish continues to lead his division but won't bring it up until/if he makes the playoffs. We play and the winner could be top in the division depending on what happens w/ TBDBITL. LDT is continuing his renaissance and LaShady and the rest of the Eagles, including Vish's Eagle D made my 9ers look bad. I don't know how many times the 9ers defenders fell for a juke move. Every Eagle ball carrier looked like Barry Sanders. Sad! Alex Smith is horrible and I don't know how he has any non blood relative supporters. If you're running sideways/backwards to your left and the defender is on the right side of your chest as he's making a tackle, do you think it's wise to try and bring the ball up w/ your right arm caught in between you and the defender? The answer is fumble returned for a TD by the Eagle D. Once again, he's better in shotgun b/c he CAN'T read the defense quick enough and he makes HORRIBLE DECISIONS. Ladies and gentlemen, your winless 49ers. Time to go in reverse and go all in for Luck/Harbaugh. I say this as a Cal Bear too. Cliff suffers another loss and only has himself to blame. The Panthers are in shambles and Cutler was out so Forte was going to be the key. Duh! Marcedes Lewis has been the Jags TD machine and the Bills are winless for a reason. Duh, duh! If M & L won't help Josh, maybe they can help you out. I don't know what's going w/ Greg Jennings either. Maybe you can send a big FTD flower arrangement to Rodgers and say it was from Jennings. Explain the picture of Snooks, btw.

Eddie Murphy in Bathtub with Felicia Taylor & Victoria Dillard - More free videos are here

The College Scene

Sorry Sho. But there's always a price to be paid. The recent years of Florida success had a lot to do w/ Tebow. Unfortunately, his replacement doesn't fit the Tebow offense. Your deepest fears came to fruition as the Tide mack trucked you. Much like in Austin, you should be developing this group of players for a title run next year. Kras lived through a scare as Pryor and company had a much closer game than the score would indicate. Kras, could your team be reading the papers too much and think that a #2 ranking means a gimme against all non ranked teams? The most entertaining 1st half belonged to Stanford/Oregon game. Chip Kelly made a great call to go for the onside kick after scoring to make it 21-10 w/ the Ducks trailing. Luck was rolling and Stanford had all the momentum. The Ducks got the ball and scored to cut the deficit to 21-17. The Owasu injury was big but I don't know if it would have been only a matter of time before the Ducks seized control. The Ducks just go at you and at you and at you w/ all that speed. It's very entertaining to watch. I know that the season is still early but Oregon's offense can beat any defense right now. I almost put $ on Oklahoma b/c of the UT's embarrassing loss to UCLA at home. I think Cal can give F'UCLA a good fight on neutral ground and I think Cal is a fraud. I think Oklahoma isn't great but is definitely talented enough on both sides of the ball to whip Cal. Therefore Oklahoma can beat the daylights out of UT. The spread was only 3 1/2 for Oklahoma and I have enough ppl in Vegas to place bets for me. But my past has taught me that I'm horrible when it comes to spreads. But I'm stupid enough to go in w/ VDW's Jefe crew to guess on the NFL. I think $50 is good value for entertainment from week 4 to the end of the season. Hopefully, I'll do better than 1 correct out of 4 next week. Speaking of VDW, congrats on the big win over the Badgers. Maybe your team's success will keep you from crying over the poor luck of your fantasy team. And good luck against Denard Robinson. For those of you who don't know, ask somebody. This kid is a TD waiting to happen w/ his feet and can throw the ball much better than college versions of Terrell Pryor, Tebow, Vince Young and Michael Vick. It's not a perfect pro style pass but he's shown much better accuracy w/ the deep ball than I would have expected. He leads the nation in rushing yards and he's a QB. He's responsible for something like 999,999 yards out of 1,000,001 yards of total offense for the Wolverines. It's a good thing b/c they don't play a lick of defense. VDW, I don't know if you can stop Denard but I think you can keep up on offense though. Unfortunately, Denard puts himself at risk so I can definitely see him missing a few games due to injury. It's a shame though b/c I'd love to see him keep up at even 1/2 of his current pace. He already has 1000 yards passing and 900 rushing through just 5 games. Think of using pre dog fighting Vick on Madden. Les Miles is a lucky man and should get a lottery ticket. He's undefeated but no one believes it. I tried to cheer up Sho and Shen by telling them that douche bag Lane Kiffin lost. Sho wasn't buying. Then I tried to cheer them up by letting them know that Coming to America was playing. One of the top non Princess Bride quotes: The royal penis is clean.

This was truly the game of the weak.

In a battle between the blind and the deaf, there has to be a victor. I apologize for insulting the deaf and blind for comparing them to these two sad sacks. And sad is the kindest description of the Bears O line. Cutler was sacked 9 times in the first half. He was beaten so badly that he was knocked out of the game and posted – 2.4 fantasy points. His back up was also beaten to a pulp and the 3rd QB got called in for don’t get killed duty. He’s apparently a local kid from Forney that went to school w/ 1 of Leslie’s drunken nurse friends as I was told when we were hanging out a bar that sits across from the Slip Inn. Ahh…the memories and lack of them. Anyways, I’m sure that Cutler doesn’t remember much of the game and I don’t know how he’s allowed to play this weekend. But it’s his scrambled brain, not mine. The game between big E and Cliffy had these fantasy points scored: -2.4(Cutler), 4.4 (CJ2K), 3.5, 0.5, 3.9 (Hasselbeck), 3.3. 1.5, and 0 (Randy Moss). Someone had to win by default but the previously winless Towns will take it. Both teams are in desperation mode. We only have 9 games left in the regular season and Cliff is 3 games behind the undefeated Shen. At least Big Ben comes back in 2 weeks and Randy’s arrival in Favre country could mean some deep ball love. The newest Viking may be the spark that Erin’s Favre needs to get things going.

Going back to the Old School.

Kras went to the way back machine and was able to get previous performances from Addai and T.O. This had to be a surprise to Bleemia as this 1 week score from TBDBITL was the total for his previous 2 weeks combined. Kras gets the high score and may have some hope for Fitz if Mad Max gets the call in the desert. Ben gets the loss and I wonder if he’s got some mixed feelings about Kolb. On the one hand, it means that Celek gets some love now. On the other hand, it means that the Eagles are less likely to win…unless they’re facing my 9ers.

Futbol curse.

Krotchua and I finished in the top 3 of the World Cup competition this summer. We probably know from zero to zilch when it comes to futbol and Josh’s daughters have played more soccer than I ever have. But the curse applies to the Josh as he won the top dog prize. The balance of the universe is righted as his previous football prowess is shriveling up as the weeks go by. I wonder if he’ll cry about something about waiver wire pick ups. As for me, I suffered though WTF is going on at work when the box score had Derrick Ward scoring for the Texans instead of the Arian Nation. I keep Krotchua’s winless streak going. But all is not well in Kardashian ville as Run DMC looks like he’s done his yearly injury and old Steve Smith is injured w/ no clear return date on an offensively crippled team. At least I have Jamal Charles and the next Shanahan sensation in Ryan Torain. I also have 3 TE’s. Anyone want to trade a WR?

The Pats put up 41 and Brady and Hernandez only give me 14?

I’m sure that Sho to the Mizzo was wondering how that could have happened? Well the Fins got Chung’d that night. Everybody Pat Chung tonite. I still say that I’m not impressed w/ your team Sho. Your love for ex Gators and rookie RB’s is a weakness. Even after the Lynch Mob’s trade, do you think CJ would get drafted before round 8? His value for the Bills is related to his special teams ability this year. Once he knows how to pass protect, he’ll be the featured back. It will be on the talent less Bills and he’ll have a target on his back, but he’ll eventually be worth a 5th round pick. Randy’s trade will help Hernandez but will hurt Brady’s deep ball abilities. Vishnal continues the LDT is back chant. I thought that he’d do well w/ the Jets but not as great as he’s been. But you didn’t escape unscathed Vishy. LaShady has a broken rib and PT Cruiser still looks like he’ll be out. Maroney is still garbage too.

Welcome to the upper half of the league, Tim.

Fantasy BBall playoff edition success and now you’re in the upper half of the league w/ a win against division leader, Vishnal. It means if you end up w/ the same record and you beat him again, then you get the tie breaker. But what you have is a very hot QB in Rivers and 2 workhorses in Gore and Mendenhall. Hopefully, you'll take my advice and pick up a RB wednesday night b/c Mendenhall is on a bye this week. I have no advice on Sims Walker Texas Ranger. He might be the bane of your existence where he only performs when he's on your bench. Hi Ash. Ray Rice called. He said that you shouldn't cheat w/ him on Madden b/c it jinxes him in real life. Think of having the eternal boner whenever you dance w/ a girl.

Mark wins.

I wonder if this is what Shen thinks he's doing to us w/ his fantasy skills. Vick's injury has the added effect of diminishing Desean's impact which adds onto VDW's pain. At least you had the foresight to add Kolb as insurance and All Day is off his bye. Hopefully, the addition of Randy means less guys in the box for All Day to beat. I don't know why Colston and the Saints have struggled to look anything like last year's scoring machine. Maybe it's the Madden cover. Meanwhile, the Shenanigans keep motoring along thanks to the Rodgers and Bradshaw. Megatron even made an appearance for Shen. Shen also the Beast to help him out though he hasn't had the consistency that Shen typically loves. He's bound to go off and I think it will be back at home on turf against the Rams. I can't believe that a Stanfurd Carduhnal is going to use 2 Cal Bears to beat me. Disgusting.


The whole idea of picking your own division was the hope that it would spark more interest in the league and weekly games. As you all know, I can't stand apathy b/c it leads to boredom which will make me want out of the league. It also gives the lesser teams a chance to shape their own destiny. The Vish division looks like the strongest divison so far. All 4 teams are in the upper half of the league in scoring. They have been their own worst enemies. The top picks division w/ 4 of the top 6 picks in the draft isn't aptly named b/c I'm on top and have had the most consistency. The other guys division has failed to live up to the King Kong vs Godzilla b/c Josh has been absent.